On the Orgin of Gods

It was once postulated that the origin of God was in the life of a great, charismatic ape that once lived long ago on the savannas of Africa. Tales of this ape’s achievements circulated long after his death. Each retelling was an exaggeration of the last: an elaborated detail here, a smudged fact there. It wasn't long before the humble primate began to accrue a supernatural reputation, his original identity fading away within an endless chain of Chinese whispers.

If you’re prepared to believe this, then it’s not unreasonable to propose that this omniscient ape may have been responsible for a crucial human discovery deep within the mists of time; a moment of ingenuity that gave him his initial celebrity status. Perhaps he discovered fire?

The moment must have been heavy with destiny. A hot summer on an African plane; an ape rubs two sticks together to annoy his mother-in-law; suddenly a spark flies; a dry patch of grass ignites, history is made and a God is born.

Alas, being a credulous beast, and lacking the wisdom of Fire Marshall Bill, it isn’t long before our proto-god makes a crucial error. Whilst attempting to grill his first piece of sirloin, he gets too close to the warming orange glow and promptly goes up in flames. Thus, another important discovery is made and the first appearance of religion is quickly followed by the first heretic to be burnt alive with his steak*. Unfortunately, those two ideas have rarely been separable since.

*later to become “burnt at the stake”, after millenia of lexical drift.